A (Somewhat Angsty) Beginning

I’ve got to begin. I tend to keep my thoughts to myself unless or until they are really what I mean to say; I wait to speak ’til I can say what I mean and mean what I say–but something is going wrong. I’m not saying anything–or if I am, it’s silly things, things that aren’t worth anyone’s while to hear. I am terribly self-absorbed, and it’s starting to show. I need to get some thoughts out of my head because as of now, I think I’m going crazy with everything I think about and worry about and consider. So here, here are my thoughts, worthwhile or not. I’ve got to start writing.

This might take a while, still, because I write slowly–not type slowly, just translate my thoughts into words and sentences very slowly, very imperfectly. I distract myself, too, from whatever I ought to be doing at the time. Usually, I’m distracting myself from tasks by thinking of things that really aren’t important at the time, but I’m apparently versatile: I can distract myself from this current task (thinking and writing down thoughts) with anything else under the sun–Facebook, family, food, and those are just the F’s. I suppose this blog is mainly a response to my activity on Facebook, where I don’t say much, but I watch other people say stuff. It’s uncomfortably similar to how things go in real life, where I observe others but rarely interject my opinions. The things I do say seem ridiculous immediately after I say them, and I want to shrivel up and disappear from sight. This is not who I want to be.

I want to say something worthwhile and then not care about what I think others are thinking of me. I don’t want to be ashamed of my words–up to now I have avoided being embarrassed by my words by simply not saying all that much–I want to find out what I’m trying to say, and then¬†say it.¬†

So this blog is me, Jo, talking to you (but especially to myself), practicing getting my thoughts out of my head. In this first post, I predict the future: one day soon I will succeed in communicating a thought or two that should have stayed in my head, that isn’t really worth my while or yours. I apologize in advance–I see myself, on that day, wishing desperately I could recall my words and turn them back into harmless, invisible thoughts. But that’s not really what I want.

Everything worthwhile is tangled up with risk.

Thanks for reading:)