Why I Don’t Workout

Some dualism for your Saturday morning. Thanks for reading, even when it’s something as silly as the following post.

<><Jo

 

[Alarm rings pleasantly, designed to mimic birdsong]

Jo’s Mind: Hey, it’s morning! Hey, Good Morning, Jo’s Body! Time to get up and get going with our day.

Jo’s Body: Mmmmff.

Mind: Come on, now. Just heave your self over, out of the bed.

Body: Just five more min-

Mind: NO. Every time I give you five minutes, they turn into thirty. Just get up. No questions.

[Jo gets up and looks out the window]

Mind: Man, what a beautiful day. And just think–it’s Saturday! We can do whatever we want.

Body: Yeah!

Mind: Hey, I know what we should do! We should go workout!

Body: What?! What happened to doing what we wanted?

Mind: I’d like to workout, wouldn’t you?

Body: No, are you crazy? We don’t workout. We aren’t that kind of person.

Mind: Ok, but I’d like to be. Let’s go try it, huh? Yeah? Yeah?

Body: uuuuuuuughhh. We tried this last year. Like twice. I ended up hating you for weeks afterward.

Mind: Oh, come on! Maybe it’ll be different this time. Now get dressed fast, ok, before I think too hard about this.

[ROOMMATE passes by]

Roommate: Hey Jo, what’re you up to today?

Jo: (rather proudly) I’m going to go workout today.

Roommate: (attempts to hide skepticism) Oh! Well, I hope you have a good time working out.

Body: See? This is ridiculous.

Mind: It’s for your own sake, ok? Let’s just go.

[Jo gets to the workout room. SOMEONE ELSE is already there lifting weights. MIND and BODY hesitate.]

Mind: Ummmm, I guess we’ll just, you know, go in, even though someone else is in there.

Body: Whatever.

[Jo starts the treadmill; begins walking]

Mind: This seems slow.

Body: Well, I think this feels great.

Mind: Ok, fine. I’m gonna read, then.

[Thirty minutes later, the exercise program slows, stops]

Body: Hey, that was good. Good job, Jo!

Mind: (raises figurative eyebrow) Um, I don’t think that was enough. Let’s try just a little more. Come on, back on the machine.

Body: (drags herself back toward the treadmill) Why do I listen to you?

[KID FROM SPANISH CLASS enters workout room, takes adjacent treadmill]

Mind: (whispering) Hey–hey, look. It’s that kid from Spanish class who always knows the answers and makes us feel inferior by comparison.

Body: (somewhat out of breath) Oh. Okay.

Mind: Hey, I have an idea. We should outlast her on here. That’d show her.

Body: ARE YOU NUTS??? We can’t do that!

[GFSC begins running twice the speed of Jo’s jogging]

Mind: Ok, maybe you’re right. She kinda looks like she’s used to this. Here’s what we do. Keep jogging for at least a mile, ok? That will at least look like we aren’t a wimp.

Body: (breathing harder)…

[Five minutes later]

Body: Need to stop. Let’s stop.

Mind: No! We have to get to a mile. In the meantime we’ll play a game, okay? We’ll play, “Imagine how many people are walking by this room, seeing Jo’s increasingly red face.”

Body: I don’t like that game.

Mind: yeah, neither do I. Okay, how about this. If we can make it to ten minutes at this pace and incline, we can stop.

[Three minutes later]

Mind: 1 Corinthians 9:27! 1 Corinthians 9:27! Let’s go!

Body: (gasping) What the heck. You can’t just rip that out of con-

Mind: Hey. If it’s applicable, we use it.

[Approximately 57 seconds later]

Body: I’m done, okay?

[Jo slows the machine, gets off to stretch]

Mind: Wow, good job. I mean, we kinda stink in comparison to the kid from Spanish class, but hey, aren’t you glad we made the effort?

Body: I hate you.

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